Coaching to live your best life
Learn To Play With Fear
I love to write about fear, it's a fascinating subject. Fear keeps us safe and fear keeps us stuck, but on the other side of fear is success. The levels of fear we experience are different for everybody. Some people get panicked by little things and for others it takes a lot more to scare them. Fear is our survival mechanism left over from a long, long time ago, when we had to fight bears and other beasts. Fear is also pure ENERGY
What To Do When Someone You Love Drinks Too Much?
Growing up with alcoholism or living with alcoholic spouses, children or siblings is unpredictable hell. Lots of people in my family of origin drank. They were hardworking, responsible, honest members of society, but too much drinking is not healthy for the one who drinks or the people around them. I grew up in Germany where beer is called liquid bread, but it's still alcohol and it gets you drunk and if you drink it every day you can call yourself an "alcoholic."
In my family the definition of "alcoholic" is someone who is homeless, in the gutter, dressed in rags and drinks cheap liquor. Well this is not true, there are many high functioning alcoholics out there, who are doctors, architects, bankers, politicians, lawyers and so on who do not fit this picture. The clinical defintion of alcoholic is: Someone who cannot control their drinking, drinks on a regular basis in order to cope with life and stress.
My drinking started when I was 15. I never knew what was wrong with me until my life was so miserable that I agreed to take some therapy sessions in my late 40s. My therapist suggested Alanon and mentioned that I might suffer from codepencency. I was desperate so I went to my first meeting and learned that I started drinking because I felt inadequate and unlovable. Drinking made me feel a lot more comfortable around people and with myself. My perfectionism, my need to control everything and everybody, my anger, my unhappiness and my need to desperately hold onto a very unhealthy marriage, were all signs of what they call "codependency."
What is Co-dependency (please click the link if you would like to read more)
Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.
Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.
If you suffer from other people's drinking or crazymaking behavior, I would suggest Alanon. An organization that helps family members of alcoholics take care of themselves and live happy fulfilled lives. It's a simple program, it's free, or by small donation. I started going to meetings and my life changed. Within 3 months I felt better. I was able to let go of trying to control everything and everybody around me and I could "live and let live." I had more energy and I learned to enjoy my life despite of what was going on around me.
I would stop complaining to my children about my husband's behavior and I could let go of trying to be perfect. I learned that it's important to take care of myself and let others do what they need to do for themselves. Yes it was new behavior and it was uncomfortable, but the more I practiced the better I felt. Now 11 years later I'm still going to meetings, I love the honesty and to be surrounded by people who want to transform their lives and are not afraid to share their feelings. It has helped me empower my life and my children's lives.
If you like to get more information about the program and meetings in your area, check the Alanon website
Empower your life by healing yourself. Do you have a story you would like to share? Please leave a comment.
When You Are Going Through A Hard Time It's Important To Play
From the book: "Women Who Run With Wolves", by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph. D,
"It is play, no properness, that is the central artery, the core, the brain stem of creative life. The impulse to play is an instinct. No play, no creative life. Be good, no creative life. Sit still, no creative life. Speak, think, act only demurely, little creative juice. Any group, society, institution, or organization that encourages women to revile the eccentric: to be suspicious of the new and unusual: to avoid the fervent, the vital, the innovative; to impersonalize the personal, is asking for a culture of dead women."
I love this book, it is so close to my heart. We cannot be reminded enough how important it is to play. Routine is a killer to our creativity. We all know this, but we still go for routine, no wonder that most women are stressed out, bored and have no energy. Too many things to do, too much work, taking care of others, too much cooking, too much cleaning, too much responsibility. But very little fun, no wonder lots of women start drinking or taking drugs, legal or illegal to just survive.
Continue reading “When You Are Going Through A Hard Time It’s Important To Play”
The word empowerment sounds like a very important word. But that's not the case. Just taking care of your needs is a healthy start. I made a list of simple things that will empower your life without getting into overwhelm.
Walks in nature, are relaxing and rejuvenating, if you feel bad, or stressed. Just go for a walk and try to enjoy nature without thinking about problems or whatever is wrong in your life. Nature can be a savior, the wind the sun, the rain, the trees, the ocean can replenish the well.
Meditation is also helpful, it gives you the moment to step back and create more awareness over when to react or not to react. It's empowering, to be in charge of your reactions. So instead of flipping off the rude driver in front of you, or the encounter with an unfriendly person in the store, you just take a deep breath and let it go, this is mindfulness in action. Congratulations you just empowered yourself:-)
Set boundaries with other people, know what you want and what you need. If you can be true to yourself you do not have to feel upset or feel victimized. Try and do the things you love to do, nourish your spirit, take time to play and have fun. Surround yourself with people who have the same interests and who inspire you. It is very hard to be empowered and motivated if you are surrounded by negative people, or people who do not want to get off their behinds. It's a downer, stay away from them!
Forgive more: remember the quote: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? It feels so much better to forgive than to be angry and resentful. In 12 step programs they call resentments: "The poison that you drink but want somebody else to die" Not good indeed. So if you forgive you can be happy and everything else does not matter, even if somebody did something terrible to you, forgiveness will make you feel better. Again, you just empowered your life.
Say what you mean and do what you say. Be in integrity, dont' lie, don't say you will do something and then you don't do it, it will make you feel good about yourself.
Feel your feelings, do not avoid them and drink, work, smoke, control or find other ways to avoid your feelings, they will get you anyay. You might as well feel them now and get it over with. I know it does not sound like fun, but feelings need to be acknowledged and they will persist and knock on the door until we listen. They are like entities inside ourselves that want to be heard.
Try to not complain, complaining sucks your energy like nothing else. Empower your life by taking responsiblilty for your life and your actions. This is a big one. Every complaint is a way to not take responsibility.
If you have other little ways to empower your life, please share it with us and leave a comment.
Why Acceptance Is So Important
Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices. Paul Tournier
I love acceptance, it's one of the most important steps I can take in order to heal my life. It has not always been that way, there were times when I did not want to accept anything that was not to my liking. Life was painful then, to say the least.
Not wanting to accept things is like fighting reality. Fighting reality is painful. Acceptance is a huge part in 12 step programs. The serenity prayer says it all: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
How Coaching Can Help In Your Life
"We cannot teach people anything. We can only help them discover it within themselves. " Galileo Galileo
Do you sometimes feel totally overwhelmed by too many things to do, or one thing that's too big to tackle?
Is it so bad that you rather look the other way and not do it?
Are there some things you would like to do in your life, but you have no clue where to start?
Would you like to make certain changes in your life, but you feel it's too daunting without support?
If you answered yes you might want to look into the possibility of working with a coach. Just in case you have never worked with a coach, let's explore what it means and how it can help.
There are many different models and methodologies of coaching. Some may be designed to facilitate thinking or learning new behavior for personal growth or professional advancement. There are also forms of coaching that help the client improve a physical skill, like in a sport or performing art form. Some coaches use a style in which they ask "open ended questions" and offer opportunities that will challenge the client to find answers from within him/herself. This process facilitates the learner to discover answers and new ways of being based on their values, preferences and unique perspective.
Coaching is very effective and empowering to individuals who are absolutely ready to achieve results and goals in life and to pursue their dreams .
What coaching is not:
Coaching is not therapy. It does not focus on your past, or healing symptoms, such as of anxiety or depression. A coach assumes that the client is mentally healthy and able to work with the coach to develop strategies based on the client’s values and goals.
Coaching is not consulting. Unlike a consultant, who is hired to provide the answers, the coaches role is not to know all the answers and solve all of the client’s problems. The coach will frequently challenge the client to take action toward their goals, but does not” tell the client what to do”.
Coaching is not friendship. While relationship is vital to all of us, coaching differs in that the focus is focused on the client and what will give them maximum benefit.
I hope I answered some of your questions in regard to coaching, if you would like to try it, contact me and I will set up an exploratory coaching session, at not cost.
Empower Yourself – Eat Healthy Foods and Exercise
The most common problem for women, especially women over 40, is to be out of shape, weigh too much and have no time. Most women are on double duty: Working, taking care of kids, taking care of husbands and households. No wonder it's daunting to find the time to exercise and pamper ourselves.
It's hard to change from taking care of others to making time and taking care of ourselves. It's challenging to step out of the old patterns and know where to start and how to change. I know, I've been there.
After my children were born I gained about 40 pounds and never got rid of the extra weight until I was 49. It just crept up and I had to get to the point where I was miserable, I did not feel good in my skin, I did not feel attractive, I got resentful. My marriage of 30 years failed and life was a huge mess. My children were teenagers at the time and instead of having a mom who was confident, fun and happy, I was depressed, controlling and in bad shape.
Eventually I started participating in support groups for women, immersed myself into self help books, learned who I am and what I need. So eventually, after hearing one too many times that I can only change if I take some action steps, I signed up for the gym. This step took some courage, but once I started I stuck with it. My diet changed, no more french bread, no more brie, no more roast and gravies, very little pasta and no more alcohol. I replace the white bread with coarse german ryebread, I added more steamed vegetables and salad to my diet and reduced my portions. The weight just kept dropping and I started feeling better and better, I bought new clothes and yes, I even looked good in a bikini!
Now 9 years later, I still look pretty good, but my exercise routine is getting old, my metabolism is changing, my favorite pants are getting too tight and there is a fair amount of flab bulging over my pants. I thought it's time to do something, but did not get into action, until a friend of mine introduced me to Visalus and the 90 day challenge. This sparked my interest, I signed up for the challenge and received the shakes and supplements a few days later. I had to publicly announce my goals on social media and keep track of my progress on the website., that was kind of hard but I did it, it helped me be more accountable.
Wow, how empowering that was, to see all these people comitted to fitness and living a healthier lifestyle, I was on fire. I signed up with a trainer and now I am learning that I have to change my routine around a little bit in order to have the disired effect. Some people told me that flabby upper arms are part of getting old, but my trainer said no, if I do the right exercises I will have tight arms in a few weeks, whohooo.
I only wanted to lose 5 pounds, but the main challenge will be to replace the flab with muscles. I know I will be there by the end of the 90 days. I lost 3 of the 5 pounds already, so now I am going from replacing 2 meals a day with shakes, to just replacing one. It is totally inspiring to do this in a team with others.
I want you to be a part of this too. I want YOU to believe that you can do it, there is not I can't, there is only I don't want:-) I am where I am because somebody else helped me to believe in myself.
Below the links to Marita's personal challenge videos:
Video 1 90 day challenge, please excuse the not so perfect quality 🙂
Video 2 Day 21 of Marita's 90 day challenge
Video 3 Day 35 of Marita's challenge
Check out the challenge by Visalus by clicking here
Are you ready for a challenge? Let me know
Fear Is Paralizing -Acting In Spite Of Fear Is Empowering
The places that scare us are all the old patterns, fears, emotions, memories, all the things that are too painful to look at. We stuff them away into deep drawers in our mind, close the door and pretend none of them exist. But they keep haunting us until we are willing to peek at them.
Well I have decided to open the door and say hello to my fears and my resistence. Why am I doing this right now, you might ask?
Because I know that if I don't face my fears and if I keep resisting change
Yes, change is uncomfortable, but the only way to live a creative, fun life is to go to the unknown and overcome our fears. I know, I had to go there several times in my life and I did not volunteer to do it.
But now I'm actually enjoying the feeling between total excitement and fear. All the times that I dared were the best times in my life. Those times taught me to be confident and to trust the process of life. It's empowering to go to the places that scare us and the more we do it, the more we empower our lives. I just made a major decision, to make a huge change in my life.
It took me years to finally be ok with it and start telling friends and family about it. Since I made up my mind I don't feel stuck anymore, I feel free and excited. Yes of course there are moments of doubt when panic sets in, but I have tools to calm down the fear. For example as soon as I get scared, I do one of the following things.
It's empowering to feel the freedom by just doing "something." Making a decision, any decision is good, you don't even have to make the "right" one. Just do it and don't focus on the outcome, this will liberate your spirit.
To let go of the safety net, is to live life to the fullest.
Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins.
Charles Stanley
How To Be Sane In An Unsane World
Unfortunately, there is very little we can do about the state of the world, but there is a lot we can do about our attitude. If we practice to be more sane, more patient, more authentic, happier, healthier etc. it would make a huge difference for the people around us and it will help to create a better world.
Remember what Gandhi said: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” It’s that simple and yet so hard. This story had a great impact on me: Gandhi was approached by a mother who told him her son was addicted to sugar and she wanted him to stop. She asked Gandhi what to do.
Gandhi said to come back in 3 weeks. The women did not understand and asked him why he wanted her to come back in 3 weeks. He answered: I like to eat sweets myself, so in order to give advice, I have to stop eating sweets myself.” Great story!
Why is it so hard to change?
We have no energy, we feel unhappy, we are resentful, but we still do not want to change. We think about it, talk about it, but that might be it, going around and around in circles.
Enough of the problem, now what is the solution?
One solution is to engage in things that make you feel good, take some time out every week and make a date with yourself to do something fun and have pure playtime. We can learn to detach with love from people in our environment who are whiners, complainers and “crazy makers”. I love the book the “Artist Way.” Julia Cameron, the author dedicated a whole chapter to the “crazy makers” in our lives: the children, the parents, the husbands, the friends, the extended family members, the bosses, colleagues.
The people who suck your energy and make you feel bad, for whatever reason. But you can learn how to respond to them. You don’t have to give them what they want, you have a choice to say no and they actually feel better too if you keep up your boundaries, although they might not admit this. Everybody deserves sanity, peace and happiness.
One way to do it is by being aware and always giving yourself the space to ask:
Is this really what I want to do right now?
It will give you power and you will feel good about yourself if you try and respond from a place of detachment. Practice it for a week and see how it goes, get a journal and keep track of your reactions, it’s fun and it will help you feel sane 
Simple Tips To Be More Confident
In order to be self- fulfilled, successful and empowered we need to be confident.
It is very interesting how we neglect being confident. It starts by forgetting our successes, even the big ones. How can that happen that we just remember the challenges and failures? It's self-sabotage, it's crazy, but we still do it, because it is unconscious. Can you relate to this?
As a life coach I notice this phenomenon all the time and I remind clients and friends whenever I can that they set simple reminders to celebrate successes.
Below are 7 simple tips to do this.
A universal rule is that everything you do for 21 days will turn into a habit. After 21 days it will be on "automatic pilot". Do you like the idea? Think about it! All the negative habits can be substituted by positive ones and after a while it will be automatic, how great is that!
Confidence is developed in childhood. If you had supportive people around, who always celebrated your little or big successes, you probably feel very confident, believe in yourself and trust that you can achieve your life dreams. Congratulations to you!
Unfortunately for most of us this is not the case, but the good news is that it can be learned and practiced by doing some very simple things.
Meditation for example is very helpful to improve awareness and it will give you the moment you need in order to choose. Do you want to react and how do you want to react to something.
Insight meditation is very easy to do, you pretty much just sit and watch your breath for a few minutes. No you do not have to sit for 30 minutes, even 5 to 10 minutes done every day will change your life, I promise!
In order to manifest and be successful, it is essential to be confident, so try to get into the habit of celebration. Keep a little notebook about your successes and establish a simple meditation practice. Please leave a comment below and let me know what you think, if you have additional ideas please share them. 🙂