How to Recover From People Pleasing

How to Recover From People Pleasing

How to Recover From People Pleasing

Hello my friends, I hope all is well in your world…. Lately I've been thinking about people pleasing and I wonder… what’s your thought on it? Are you trying to please people and do things that you do not really want to do and it makes you feel burnt out?

 

Below a quote by Jim Carrey

“Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don't let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory.”

 

During the last 10 years, while going through a very tough time in my life, I started getting involved in Alanon and other personal development and transformational programs, where I came across a lot of people pleasers….. or very nice people who don't want want to be nice all the time.

 

To be perfectly honest, I am one myself, actually now I'm a “people pleaser in recovery”. The fact is that extensive people pleasing has cost me my self expression, self worth, creativity and my aliveness…. Not being true to myself has made me very resentful, passive aggressive and turned me into a martyr……..oh no.

 

The good news is that I was fortunate enough to be willing to learn about this habit, recognize it as a pattern, that has served me for a while and then I could set strategies in place to practice healthier ways of being and doing. Now… the good news…..  anybody can do it!

 

Since then things have gotten a lot better…. Of course it’s a lifelong practice and these survival patterns don’t go away, but with awareness you can chose; Do you want to be authentic, or do you want to be a people pleaser. They say it takes about 21 days of practicing new behavior to change a pattern.

 

Simple examples of people pleasing.

  • Someone asks you….would you help me with this project? You have no desire to do so and no time, but you find yourself saying yes. Always saying yes, when you mean no.
  • Your boss asks you to work on the weekend and you don’t want to do it but you say yes.
  • Your friend wants to go to the movies with you, you are tired and don’t feel like it, but you say yes.
  • Someone is aggressive and instead of standing up for yourself, you say nothing to avoid conflict.
  • Always putting other people’s needs before yours. Manipulating a situation in order to be nice……ouch 🙂

In some cases, people pleasing is almost like an addiction, constantly needing to be needed.” This is a way to derive a fake sense of self worth, by constantly getting yourself into situations where you feel needed.

 

Can you relate to any of these points? If yes you might be a people pleaser. Human beings  who are always sweet, nice and helpful, but inside they feel burnt out, resentful and taken advantage of. Yes, sometimes it gets so bad that you become sick and can’t function anymore. If you don't refill the well, it will dry out.

 

How to recover from people pleasing

 

  • Know yourself and be aware of your needs

  • Learn to ask for what you want

  • Set boundaries with others

  • Practice radical self care

  • Get into a support group and/or work with a coach

  • Journal about what's going on in your life

 

Know that this is a pattern that you started in childhood, it served you for a while, but at one point in life, it’s not working anymore. That’s the time to practice something new. It has been proven that by practicing new behavior, you can actually create new neural pathways in the brain.

 

Anything “new” feels uncomfortable, just like new shoes, you can just accept that and do it anyway, until it feels normal. Start on a new path, a life of freedom to express yourself and your needs. You can do it! If you need help ask for help, it’s easier and more fun with help.

 

PS. When I learned about human design, I discovered some very simple reasons why I react the way I react, how I can chose to accept certain things and with awareness… practice different behavior.

 

It has helped me find answers to some of the deep questions I had. For example, having an open solarplexus and heart center conditions me to question my self worth, by always thinking there is something wrong with me and the need to prove myself. Do you have that too sometimes?

 

I found out that I don't have to prove myself, it's just something that I learned growing up. Knowing that if I get to know and accept myself the way I am, I can enjoy peace and the freedom to express myself fully.

 

The process can be played like a game….Oh look what I discovered about myself….oh I just used a new pattern and it did not feel good but I did it…….

 

Just in case you would like to know what human design is: In short it's a system that helps you find out about who you are, your uniqueness in the world, your life path, how you can make the right decisions and the promise that if you live true to your design you will live a great life.

 

Are you ready for that? Try an exploratory session with me, it's my gift to you.

Click the contact tab and connect with me, or message me on facebook.

 

Now have fun with it and please let me know your thoughts, I love to connect with you.

Change Your life – Be Curious

Change Your life Be Curious

Change your life – Be Curious

I am curious – why are you reading this post? It must have something to do with YOU being curious about how you can change your life with curiosity 🙂

What does curiosity mean?

  •  The word curious can be defined as an exciting attention, inquiry or eager to learn. This term is also used in some circles to mean arousing interest as a result of strangeness or novelty.
  • Curiosity is one of the most important coaching skills, to be curious about everything, to want to know the root of why things are a certain way, a playful way to ask questions.
  • In spiritual terms curiosity is a way for the mind to inquire with the spirit of play, instead of controlling the outcome. We are curious and ask questions to the universe, or to our higher self.

Continue reading “Change Your life – Be Curious”

Change Your Mind Change Your Life

Change your mind change your life

Change Your Mind Change Your Life

How are YOU doing with change? Is it hard for YOU or easy? Life is so full of changes and most of us resist it, don't YOU think so too?

Speaking for myself I can say that I used to fight changes fiercely, until I was over 50 when everything in my life was changing, if I wanted it or not. Resisting it was extremely painful, but I did not know what else to do until………….

Somehow I had the idea to just go with the flow, accept the changes and make the best of it. You know what? That was the best thing I ever did in my life, besides having my beautiful kids 🙂

What helped me in my search of a happy life was a book by the psychiatrist Jerold Jampolsky: "Change your mind changes your life"…………He was miserable too; actually he said he was an alcoholic and eventually got so miserable that he wanted to end his life. Thank god he found the course in miracles and it started to change his life.

He started to write books, present courses and started the center for attitudinal healing in Sausalito. The concept how changing our attitudes makes us happy is inspiring thousands of people.

Wow, what a concept, YOU don't have to stay the victim, YOU could change YOUR mind, be happy, forgive, let go and do whatever YOU want.  This idea can be the beginning of a new life. What is there to lose? What is the risk? It might be time to risk doing something new and be happy.

When we grow up we do not learn these concepts, we mostly learn to fit in, to not risk, to play it safe. But today we have all these wonderful programs, books, movies, meditation centers and coaches available, who can help us go through the changes. It's much easier to accomplish with a good support system.

Below are a few methods to help change our way of thinking.

  • Mindfulness Meditation 

Do YOU have a meditations practice? If not I would highly recommend it. You can find a group anywhere, or you may want to set up a group with friends. If that is not possible or practical for you, just get some guided meditation audios and follow that.

The process of meditation is very soothing, extremely easy and helps to be more aware in life. It reduces stress and is good for YOUR health and emotional wellbeing. A lot of my friends love Yoga Nidra, which is a very relaxing guided meditation, where YOU scan your whole body.

There are lots of scientific studies about the benefits of meditation and if YOU think it's a religious thing and YOU don't like it, I would suggest reconsidering. There are also lots of meditation centers that offer retreats.

Retreats are my favorite kind of vacation. Spirit Rock in the San Francisco area is a magical place; they have great teachers, a beautiful setting and great food. But there are many others in most parts of the world.

Meditation and mindfulness has helped me through the hardest time of my life and now I know that anything can happen and I will be able to deal with it in a healthy, no drama way.

  • Supportive Environment

Do YOU have people around YOU who support YOU in YOUR efforts to change? Sometimes when we feel that change is necessary, we are surrounded by people who don't like change and they try to keep us exactly where we are. I had to let go of a lot of old friends, because they were hindering my process. Find groups of people who want to go a different route in life. 

There are many of them; you can find a meet up group in a topic that you are interested in. Surround yourself with like-minded people; create an environment that supports YOU.

  • Work With A Coach

A coach is the best support YOU can get, it's priceless to work with someone who is there to support YOU, YOUR well-being and help YOU uncover what makes YOU happy. Someone who reminds YOU of YOUR dreams and keeps YOU focused on YOUR vision. It's the best supportive environment YOU can get. Have YOU ever tried it? Book an exploratory session with me, it's my gift to YOU, click the contact tab and leave YOUR information if YOU are interested.

What's helping YOU to create change in YOUR life? Please leave a comment; it's always helpful for others 🙂

 

 

Letting Go Of Family Secrets

letting go of family secrets

Letting Go Family Secrets


Do you have any? To be honest I did not think I had them, but eventually I realized I had to accept them and let them go, one secret at a time.

Up until 10 years ago I thought my life was great. I lived in one of the most beautiful parts of the world.  We owned a nice house with a huge garden and had 2 beautiful, healthy kids. The beach was our playground, we had good friends and we were creative. My husband worked in special effects and I had a successful business, so it all looked pretty good.

Continue reading “Letting Go Of Family Secrets”

Believe In Your Potential

believe in your potential

Believe In Your Potential

I love this quote by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson

So what exactly does this mean and how can you believe in your potential?

For the people who are familiar with the law of attraction and spirituality this is easy to understand. For all others it might not make any sense. So if it does not make sense to you, don't worry, it's hard to understand and it might take some time, it's ok.

Continue reading “Believe In Your Potential”

How To Be Sane In An Unsane World

lets-play_bHow To Be Sane In An Unsane World

Unfortunately, there is very little we can do about the state of the world, but there is a lot we can do about our attitude. If we practice to be more sane, more patient, more authentic, happier, healthier etc. it would make a huge difference for the people around us and it will help to create a better world.

Remember what Gandhi said: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” It’s that simple and yet so hard. This story had a great impact on me: Gandhi was approached by a mother who told him her son was addicted to sugar and she wanted him to stop. She asked Gandhi what to do.

Gandhi said to come back in 3 weeks. The women did not understand and asked him why he wanted her to come back in 3 weeks. He answered: I like to eat sweets myself, so in order to give advice, I have to stop eating sweets myself.” Great story!

Why is it so hard to change?

We have no energy, we feel unhappy, we are resentful, but we still do not want to change. We think about it, talk about it, but that might be it, going around and around in circles.

  • New feels uncomfortable
  • It is scary
  • We don’t want to do it
  • People around us do not want us to change

Enough of the problem, now what is the solution?

One solution is to engage in things that make you feel good, take some time out every week and make a date with yourself to do something fun and have pure playtime. We can learn to detach with love from people in our environment who are whiners, complainers and “crazy makers”. I love the book the “Artist Way.”  Julia Cameron, the author dedicated a whole chapter to the “crazy makers” in our lives: the children, the parents, the husbands, the friends, the extended family members, the bosses, colleagues.

The people who suck your energy and make you feel bad, for whatever reason. But you can learn how to respond to them. You don’t have to give them what they want, you have a choice to say no and they actually feel better too if you keep up your boundaries, although they might not admit this. Everybody deserves sanity, peace and happiness.

One way to do it is by being aware and always giving yourself the space to ask:

Is this really what I want to do right now?

It will give you power and you will feel good about yourself if you try and respond from a place of detachment. Practice it for a week and see how it goes, get a journal and keep track of your reactions, it’s fun and it will help you feel sane :-)

Simple Tips To Be More Confident

Celebrate

Simple Tips To Be More Confident

 

In order to be self- fulfilled, successful and empowered we need to be confident.

It is very interesting how we neglect being confident. It starts by forgetting our successes, even the big ones. How can that happen that we just remember the challenges and failures? It's self-sabotage, it's crazy, but we still do it, because it is unconscious. Can you relate to this?

As a life coach I notice this phenomenon all the time and I remind clients and friends whenever I can that they set simple reminders to celebrate successes.

 

Below are 7 simple tips to do this.

  • Buy yourself a notebook
  • Set daily reminders on your phone
  • Set a few minutes aside in the evening and write down what you accomplished
  • Celebrate and give yourself a little treat
  • Do this every day until it is a habit
  • Make a "confident you" vision board
  • write some cards with simple affirmations and say them out loud.

A universal rule is that everything you do for 21 days will turn into a habit. After 21 days it will be on "automatic pilot". Do you like the idea? Think about it! All the negative habits can be substituted by positive ones and after a while it will be automatic, how great is that!

Confidence is developed in childhood. If you had supportive people around, who always celebrated your little or big successes, you probably feel very confident, believe in yourself and trust that you can achieve your life dreams. Congratulations to you!

Unfortunately for most of us this is not the case, but the good news is that it can be learned and practiced by doing some very simple things.

  • be aware of your thoughts
  • be aware of your reactions
  • be aware of your feelings

Celebrate2

 

Meditation for example is very helpful to improve awareness and it will give you the moment you need in order to choose. Do you want to react and how do you want to react to something.

Insight meditation is very easy to do, you pretty much just sit and watch your breath for a few minutes. No you do not have to sit for 30 minutes, even 5 to 10 minutes done every day will change your life, I promise!

In order to manifest and be successful, it is essential to be confident, so try to get into the habit of celebration. Keep a little notebook about your successes and establish a simple meditation practice. Please leave a comment below and let me know what you think, if you have additional ideas please share them. 🙂

 

What To Do When Life Gets Chaotic And Stressful

Albert Einstein said it so well: “chaos proceeds order.”

chaos (1)Chaos: In this life, you have free will and you can make your own choices. You walk on the path established by your spiritual “blue print”. But like all creation, once you’re “playing” in life, situations present themselves that require choices. Your free will and choice are the chaos in your life. We only hope that we make the best choices and decisions for the evolution of our soul and spiritual growth.

These might be big words and if you choose to believe this theory great and if not it’s great too, it’s up to you.

Life can get pretty crazy sometimes especially when unexpected upsetting things are happening. Sometimes it feels like these periods do not end. It’s like a series of messes, upsets and often they include accidents and illnesses.

Do we know why? No we do not, but it’s important when you feel that chaos is coming, to step on the break and calm down. Meditate, do yoga, take care of yourself in whatever way you can, say prayers, mantras and affirmation. Talk kindly to yourself, listen to inspiring soothing music and audios, read happy books and most of all slow down, do not run, do not get stressed out and remember to breathe in and to breathe out. Always go back to your breath.

Stay away from non-supportive people and be as much in a positive supportive circle of friends as you can. It is essential to find balance within yourself, so you have to do whatever it takes to get yourself into a peaceful state.

Do it as long as the chaos lasts, it will be followed by something calmer if you learn to ride the stormy waves and remember that the sun always comes out again. We need these chaotic times to grow.  That’s a good way to look at it, it’s more empowering than feeling like a victim.

There is actually another universal law: The law of Catastrophe: Also referred to as the stage of drama/trauma. This is an absolute necessity for the evolutionary process, when the seed cracks and growth is permitted to begin. This occurs in the human experience, and in nature.

What do you do to keep your calm when life is stormy?

Women Over 40

Wonderful article, posted by Andy Rooney, written by Frank Kaiser.

From Frank Kaiser

120-300x200As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age.

You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress…

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Being in my later 50s I think "women are like good wine the older they get the better"!

Any comments? Please leave them in box below

My free gift to you http://grabyourfreegift.com/maritas

Being Authentic Helps To Achieve Your Lifegoals

314642_10150332410896299_69132076298_8348879_129818643_n-211x300I learned one important thing over the last few years of transformation:  To be aware of my thoughts and actions.  Lately  I noticed that I have lots of judgements coming up, not big ones but it still bothers me and makes me feel weak and kind of jucky.

So my practice is that as soon as I notice the judgement, I say to myself: I forgive myself  for my judgement and I really would like it if I would not judge people and things any more. I try one step at a time and I do it less and less, but it requires constant awareness.

The other thing is complaining, I do not like myself when I do it, it makes me feel bad, but it is such a habit, that it still sneaks  up on me. The practice is always the same, the key is to not beat yourself up, but be gentle and patient with your self.

This method works for all different kinds of habits, I use it like a game. It is important to know yourself if you want to be successful and achieve your goals, the more authentic you are the easier it is to achieve your dreams. Try it out!

What do you think? do you have a practice you would like to share? Please leave a comment below.