Letting Go Family Secrets
Do you have any? To be honest I did not think I had them, but eventually I realized I had to accept them and let them go, one secret at a time.
Up until 10 years ago I thought my life was great. I lived in one of the most beautiful parts of the world. We owned a nice house with a huge garden and had 2 beautiful, healthy kids. The beach was our playground, we had good friends and we were creative. My husband worked in special effects and I had a successful business, so it all looked pretty good.
Sounds great, yes? Well not so great, because underneath it all, addiction brewed. My ex is a brilliant artist, inventor and a good human being, but his binge drinking affected me, and the kids. I had to drink myself, just to be able to put up with the craziness.
When my kids turned into teenagers, they became more and more defiant and difficult. The more they distanced themselves from us the worse our family life became. The family dynamic was toxic. I was in constant reaction to my kids and my husband, while trying to manage a household and a demanding business. I turned into a “bitch.” Actually I could not stand myself, trying to control and manage everything, and everybody around me.
After doing this dance for a while my husband added more drugs to the mix and other addictions surfaced which I am not willing to expose at this time. My life was hell, my kids were getting worse and after my son spent a day in jail because of smoking pot. I decided to enlist the service of a therapist to help me fix the broken people in my life.
Well little did I know when I found out that I was also a broken “piece”. My therapist was an addiction specialist and a strong believer in 12 step programs. He pretty much forced me into Alanon. The man has saved my life. One step at a time I would not change the “others”, but myself.
Unfortunately part of the process was that I had to accept my denial, considering the possibility that I could not change my husband’s behavior. It took a long time and I wanted to try it one more time, but something inside of me knew it’s an illusion and insisted to stay on course and slowly let go of my marriage of 30 years.
It was hard for all of us, but I was hoping that it would be the best for the kids to know that it’s not good for a woman to stay in an unhealthy relationship. My kids were supportive in some ways and not so supportive in other ways. They were angry that the home was gone, that I was changing and was not willing to enable them anymore.
All this took me on a journey to find my power and to believe in the possibility of a new life, where I would give myself the love I deserved and not try to get it from other people.
It has been a great journey and lots of things changed and are still changing. The best is that I found my power and am willing to do whatever it takes to live an authentic life, to feel good, to express myself, to listen to my intuition and to inspire others to do the same.
“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” Nora Ephron
What are your thoughts?
I’m so glad you found your inner power and took control of your own life!! Congrats for that!! wishing you well in your journey! 🙂
Interesting story Marita. thanks for sharing. had to be a tad difficult to let us know your journey had some hiccups. And happy to hear you are on a smoother path today! great job! sending love and more healing light and energy, Patricia
It really is amazing to go through life’s changes! Glad to hear you are on your way to bigger and better things. Any relationship death is hard, it’s how we deal with it after that counts. Here’s to moving forward and staying true to yourself.
Wow!Sounds like a very rough patch. Glad you are on to better things.
Marita, Thank you for sharing. I had a husband with addictions too. No fun. Once I realized I had no sense of humor left and the kids told me they wish we'd separate, I remade my life. You never know what's around the corner. Good for you!
One of the reasons I no longer speak to my family anymore is because of their abusive ways. My immediate family is highly dysfunctional, and the outer family (aunts, uncles & cousins) knows that there are issues, but turns a blind eye to it. It's been that way for years. I finally had to cut them out of my life. Truth be told, they made that decision easy for me by their thoughtless and manipulative actions. I don't speak to any of them anymore.
I think all families have their secrets, but some are worse than others. (I could tell you things about my family that would make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.) I have another friend in her young 20s who is facing a similar situation, but she hasn't yet learned how to create boundaries and how to cut the abusive ties that bind. It's easy to place judgement on abusers as well as the abused, but the truth is that we all need to learn things in our own time.
I'm glad that you decided to take action to stop the abuse so that you could live a fulfilling life. You are worthy of every good thing that the Universe has in store for you. <3
It takes a lot of strength and courage to let go and move on…good for you!
I've had "fears" in doing my business, and I found a friend who was a therapist and she understood EVERYTHING I told her and she was the first one to tell me that she knew exactly what I was having to deal with! I thought "wow! She knows and understands. Maybe there is hope after all!". She connected me to one of her team therapists. Since then, 1 and 3 months later, I am so much better and am with another therapist now for a year. My fears, I understand and can deal with them. Family secrets – some of it still is but I am stronger and understand myself more! Great things now can happen and I won't sabotage myself anymore. So, WE'VE done the right thing!
I'm sure it was tough, but thanks for having the courage to share your story. Glad you are able to move on with your life in a much more positive direction! 🙂
Family secrets have a tendency to hurt people for generations down the road. I have seen that in my own family; knowing the secrets and how it affected your behavior is is important to break the chain. Great post, Marita.
Sorry you had to go through that Marita, but like you said… there is some sort of family secret or individual baggage that we all carry… in one sort or another.. part of life… but it's letting it go that makes us not have to carry that burden any longer. Atta girl!
Kristen
Wow! Such bravery. I admire you for sharing that very confidential part of your life, Marita. It takes a lot of guts to share that kind of story.
Hi Marita,
I just want to tell you that you are amazing for telling your story. I have a similiar story. I can tell you that to get it out is very healing. I am so glad that you are on a better path these days. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for sharing your personal journey. Wishing you well.